His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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