I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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