i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
