I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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