"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
