you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
