No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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