I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
