I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
