I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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