I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
