I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
