Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
