Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
