Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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