Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
