If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
