Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
