my vag is so smooth its legendary
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
