The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
