It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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