Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
