You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
