I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
