I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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