Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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