I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
