im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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