I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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