My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
