Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
