Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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