I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize