I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
