just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
