Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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