Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
