dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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