i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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