you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
