I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
