Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
