I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
