so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
