and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
