things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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