Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
