I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
