you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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