I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
